Shining in your own skin

We all want to shine at some point, everyone wants to be noticed for what they do well, and be appreciated for it. A younger, and more ambitious, me used to wonder what I needed to do to be noticed in the professional setting.  I would attend trainings, put in above and beyond my expected work hours, and seek out mentorship in an effort to advance professionally. All of this helped, and I learned a lot in the process. These activities were the meat of my professional learning and growth. But there was an additional item that really pulled it together. One  piece of advice I received and learned to stop listening to is probably what actually facilitated access to a good amount of my professional experiences. Not that the extra work, hours and role models I had didn’t, clearly this was all substantial. But the piece that pulled it all together was freeing myself up enough to be myself in each of my roles. Not working to fit into someone else’s vision of who and what I should look like, how I should behave, how much of me I could use professionally. Whether that meant allowing myself to be quiet and slow to warm up when entering a new setting, or sharing my ideas and cracking jokes in another.

As a young woman, and a woman of color, I got plenty of critical feedback from people who were attempting to “help” me to fit in. Critique of my clothing, my vehicle, whether I did my own laundry and ironed and folded it afterwards or sent it to the cleaners, my smile, tone of voice, the way I stood, laughed, all of these things were things that bosses and mentors felt the need to discuss with me in order to help me improve myself so I could continue to grow and advance. Initially I believed some of this stuff. And things like wearing wrinkled clothing to work is never a good idea. But truth be told the only way to truly shine is to shine in your own skin. It’s your uniqueness that sets you out from the crowd. It’s your operating from the core of who you truly are that cultivates the relationships you need to create in order to flourish professionally. Your uniqueness is also the only thing you have to offer that no one else has.  If you are worried about balancing in a three-inch pair of high heals and concerned about the fit of a designer suit you would have never worn in the first place, you wont be relaxed enough to enjoy and connect in the moment. Much less feel comfortable enough to put yourself out there intellectually or in any way that you need to in order to let your jewels shine.

At this point, which is over a decade in, I seek out professional advice, feedback, and mentorship. I also make sure that I access support. I connect with others, and connecting with other women, especially women of color, who have shared a lot of the same experiences is extremely useful for me. It’s having these relationships and supports that allow me to be liberated enough to be who I am. It’s through this process that I became able to tease out what is actually useful feedback from what is someone needing to correct me for not being white and not being male.  Nowadays it’s extremely easy for me to dismiss it and realize that for many they are operating from a place of fear.

My advice to those interested in truly connecting or growing in any role, cultivate relationships with those who can support you and understand your experience, be who you truly are, and besides ensuring you follow the basic rules like the office dress code allow yourself to shine authentically- and in your own skin!

Spa Day

Earlier this month I had a very rich experience. I led an experiential  workshop focused on meditation and relaxation with The Tommy Foundation NYC Chapter, for their second annual Free Spa Day. The event was extremely well organized by Katiana Harrison, President of The Tommy Foundation NYC chapter ( http://www.tommyland.org/nyc ). I was able to work with a group of women, all mothers, all parenting at least one child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder or special need, some parenting multiple children with special needs. I walked away really feeling moved by this group of women who work incredibly hard to meet their children’s needs, and take care of their selves and their families in other ways as well. Some managing their own careers and their educations in addition to parenting.  All working to ensure their children’s educational needs and social needs are met. All focused and incredibly real and passionate about being good mothers. All loving mothers who enjoy their children.

This event was focused on providing mothers with a day just for themselves, they had their hair, make-up, and nails done, received massage and facials, were part of group therapy exercises, focused relaxation exercises, and chef prepared dishes all at no cost to participants.

It was a reminder for me of the importance of self-care for everyone. Not only taking care of yourself mentally, physically, spiritually, but being sure to take time to connect with others. If you’re feeling like you have started to slack off in self care consider giving yourself a personal spa day. Set a day aside that you will focus on your own needs. But overall, be sure that you’re taking care of yourself in general. See the self-care tips below.

-Get enough sleep, speak to your doctor or a therapist if you’re regularly not getting enough sleep. In general about 8 hours per night, but people may need more or less because of individual needs. How do you feel after 6, 8, or 10 hours of rest? How you feel can be a good indication of how much sleep you individually need. Your body and mind require sleep to function well. Over time, not getting enough sleep on a regular basis can contribute to health and mental health problems worsening or developing.

-Eat at least 3 meals a day, focus on changing what the meals consist of if you have health or weight concerns. A general way to keep cholesterol and calories down is to make each serving of food balanced and serve your plate so that the largest portion on your plate is a serving of fruit or vegetables, next lean protein and the smallest serving is carbohydrates. If you snack, choose healthy snacks.

-Take time each day for you, even if it’s just half an hour you set aside and wake up before the rest of the household wakes up, take that time to pray, or meditate, or sit with quiet thought.Or have your time be at the end of the day during a warm bath or quiet time alone.

-Make time to be social. Even if you have a lot of responsibility or very busy days. Find a friend in your area that you can see, speak with and connect with. If you don’t make any time to be social at all at this point, try to start with once a month and maintain that as a minimum, increasing when you are able to. If you have grown away from existing friendships, try local community centers, houses of worship, or websites like http://www.meetup.com/find/ to find local groups and people who you can connect with.

– Make sure you are getting regular dental and medical care. Make sure you are keeping your body clean, and taking care of your nails and hair when you need to.

Finding the right therapist

So you’re looking for a therapist. What do you need to know? Below are some questions designed for you to ask your potential therapist, and some designed for you to ask yourself to help you to find a good match for yourself. You can ask these upfront, but it’s best if you ask yourself the questions designed for you after you meet with them initially.

1) What is your professional license and in which state are you licensed? What education, professional experience and examinations did you need to complete in order to acquire your professional license?

2) Where is your office located? What public transportation is accessible near by? Is there parking available?

3) What days and times do you see clients during the week?

4) Can you describe the way you engage clients? How long do you generally work with clients for?

5) What experience have you had working with people who have the same concerns that I have? What was the outcome of your work with them?

6) Are you available for same day or phone appointments if I have an emergency? How could I reach you in an emergency?

7) Do you see clients with their loved ones if there is a need to? Does this cost more or less than my regular sessions?

8) Do you take my insurance? Do you have sliding scale fees? What is your fee?

The initial meeting should serve as a test drive for your work with this therapist. Now ask yourself these questions:

1) Does this person seem like they understood the concerns I have? Do I have the sense that they will “get” me?

2) Will therapy with this therapist fit in my finances, either because I can afford sessions with them, or they accept my insurance carrier?

3) Can I access this person in an emergency even if its just an urgent scheduling change?

4) Can I get to the location without too much difficulty? Is the office space comfortable?

5) Do people they have worked with who have had the same concerns I do- do they have results that I might want to have?

Finding a therapist that you can work with is very important in meeting your goals. The person and how they mesh with you, are equally as important as their professional training. Think it through. Good Luck!

Change

One of the most important traits a person, or family, can have is the ability to adapt to change. Life is ever changing, as are our relationships. Family’s have to adapt to change as children grow older, roles and needs change. Relationships change. As a therapist, i often find that family’s that are struggling with issues, are really struggling with adapting to something new. The youngest child grows up and doesn’t follow the family pattern and strikes out into the world differently than his siblings and parents did. A teenagers developing identity begins to display to her parents that she isn’t the child they had always imagined she would be. She isn’t the daughter they always wanted- she is very different than they thought she would be. She speaks louder and is more outspoken, or is extremely shy when they imagined her turning out differently.  It may sound simple, but adapting to these things can be incredibly challenging for some family’s. A family often has to grieve the loss of who and what they expected compared to what they have. With time and support, they may learn to appreciate the gifts and talents this child expresses.

Change your mind

What would it be like to see the same old world through new lenses? Have you ever woken up wanting to get out of something you found yourself stuck in? Whether its a situation with other people that you keep finding yourself in, or a personal issue you haven’t been able to tackle, we all get stuck at some point. And if we get out of it, its generally because we had to change our mind at some point. Whether its something major like accepting and tackling mental health issues our loved ones or ourselves may deal with, or something less challenging like changing our opinion. I don’t mean changing your favorite color or most comfy seat in your home; but the times when our personal philosophy or way of navigating the world don’t work for us anymore. Times when we have to make changes so that the pieces fit and life can go on smoothly. Not necessarily that you will go along to get along but the times where we have to strategize and find a way to operate successfully in a role, even an undesired role.

-An example might be becoming sick. A patient is more likely to become well if they accept the current situation and take the necessary steps to remedy the situation. Whether its waiting for an illness to run its course and rolling with the ups and downs of the illness while taking steps to take care of their self.

-You might find yourself with a new manager or colleague whose particular style clashes completely with yours and then have to work through it delicately to maintain your position, at least for a while.

-Managing your life after a break up. This may mean that you have to be more open and sociable to allow new people and opportunities into your life.

Successfully getting through those situations requires a shift in thinking and behaving. Think through your current situation and life challenges and ask yourself if you need to change your mind.

Dating mom and dad

Have you found yourself involved with someone who is a lot like one or both of your parents? Or in a relationship where the dynamics are similar to the dynamics involved in your relationship with your parents? Your significant other may have dark or light skin or hair, or be shorter or taller than your parent, but their main character traits are the same. They may even have different traits than your parent but the roles are the same. For example you attract men that are nurturing and your dad was nurturing towards you. Or your mother had a short fuse and you walked on egg shells around her and you find yourself partnering with women who are similar.

Most people find themselves in a situation like this at some point and it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The way we understand ourselves and our expectations of relationships largely come from our relationships with those who took care of us while we were very young children. And for some people childhood issues play out in our adult relationships. The ability to cultivate and keep a relationship going can also be based on our early experiences with the relationship we had with our parents. Where they reliable and responsive? Did they meet your needs?

Mental health professionals use the term Attachment Theory to describe the relationship between early caregivers and ones sense of themselves and later their sense of safety in the world. Later in life, this speaks to a person’s ability to create and maintain relationships as well as the type of relationships one creates. Some mental health professionals believe that as an adult we may attempt to work through our issues with our most difficult parent by selecting a mate that has the same characteristics of that parent. If you think you may be dating or have married someone similar to your parents, try to list the qualities your parents have separately, and then list those of your mate. You can limit it to the top five character traits that stand out for you about them. Then compare the lists.

Whether there are similarities in traits or the relationships you shared with your parents and your current involvement with someone isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing. Most importantly is it working for you and your life at this point? Is it fulfilling and rewarding? Are the ups outweighing the downs? If the relationship isn’t meeting your needs, or if your selection of dating partners is consistently falling short, it might help you to get to the root of whats leading you to these relationships or why you’re still involved.

http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm

http://menghusblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/are-parental-personality-traits-a-basis-for-mate-selection.pdf

Think fresh

Spring is here and its been about a week since this period of renewal has started. So far the only new thing that has occurred is a national effort and plan to end groundhog Punxsutawney Phil’s life for giving us false notions about an early spring, which hasn’t happened. Luckily there are ways, besides warm weather, to become freshly renewed. One of them is renewing your thinking. Balance out your negative thoughts and ideas with positive ones. When you’re feeling afraid, worried, or thinking negative thoughts, take a moment to balance each of those things with logic. You can keep the realistic responses in your head or you can write it down. And each time your mind goes into negative thinking, use what you know to be logical and true to get you out of it. Most of the time, our fears create a much more frightening and difficult picture in our mind than whats realistically happening. You can be logical and positive to balance yourself and your thoughts out. Fortunately the more you practice it, the easier it will become.

Love…..

Love comes in many forms. Are you searching for it- do you already have it? Maybe a little of each? In preparation for speaking at a speed dating event I took some time to think about love. Luckily for me, it’s one of my favorite subjects! I am not sure if it fascinates me because of its ability to motivate and the raw strength that i have seen people develop when they are experiencing love or if its the romantic and almost magical fun elements of it.But love, and falling in love are two almost magical things to me. I revisited conversations i have had with friends and colleagues that work in the mental health field and even brushed up on a few old texts. I remember a psychologist friend discussing how love occurs, she had studied love in depth and completed her dissertation on it. I was shocked when she told me that feeling that another person loves you and is into you is one of the primary factors that makes you love them more. This was interesting to me when compared with ideas about playing hard to get and push and pull that so many of us humans have experienced. For the event, I ended up discussing four of the different types of love found in Greek mythology- Eros (passionate love), Storge (love that’s built over time), Philia (brotherhood or community love) and Agape (selfless and never ending, sacrificial love). Clearly i am not the only one that’s fascinated with this topic.There are many types of love that have been studied, documented and discussed throughout time. If you are one of those searching for more of it, take today to remind yourself of the love that you already do have in your life- family and friends count! And if you’re one of those that is happily paired- enjoy and don’t forget to appreciate your partner every day. Happy Valentine’s Day!

In the spirit of volunteerism

It’s the beginning of the year – are you thinking of the impact you want to make this year?   Have you set any goals? Is your plan to ride out whatever the year has in store for you?

This is a time when many people think about giving of their time and energy by volunteering. Some times it might seem like you couldn’t possibly do anything more than you already do…..or as if you have too many burdens yourself to be able to help others. And while all of this is quite likely true it’s also very likely that you could reap many benefits by volunteering to help others or finding a way to give of your time and energy.

Through volunteering you can meet new people and engage in new experiences. You can expand your social network. The experience can be very meaningful and rich depending on what you decide to do.  You can become more connected to your community. When added to a resume it demonstrates that you are interested in helping others and that you enjoy working. There are also strong emotional and physical health benefits involved.

Giving to others can boost your mood and help you to feel better. Not only will you feel good in the moment while you’re interacting and giving of yourself, but the social ties and connections you make can have a lasting impact on your mood. This is because you may be able to maintain some of these relationships and connection to other positive people makes you feel good and part of a community. These things have been proven to have a long-term positive impact on a persons physical and mental health.

http://www.helpguide.org/life/volunteer_opportunities_benefits_volunteering.htm

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

 

 

And a Ha-a-appy New Year!

One of the top new years resolutions is the good old resolve to lose weight! 20, 50, 100 pound goals cited by many. Of the top 5 new years resolutions, this is often number one. And when one isn’t interested in shedding unwanted pounds there is often another resolution that isn’t too far from it- getting fit. Meaning exercising, toning, whatever it takes to look a little slimmer and fitter. Western society supports this idea and there is no doubt that the US has patients with ever increasing chronic health concerns due to obesity and extra weight.

But while preparing myself for this blog entry, I thought about the fact that many do want to lose weight, but culturally this can mean different things. Extra weight means different things to different people and within different communities. And while some seek to be model thin, others wear extra clothing layers and drink high caloric and high protein beverages in an attempt to put extra weight on.

In my community, I see this frequently. A good friend of mine lost about 75 pounds through diet and exercise, she did this in part to feel better and look better, but also largely to combat hypertension which she had developed that was becoming less responsive to medication. Once she hit about 130 pounds on her 5’4 frame, her boyfriend asked her to please gain some weight and stated she looked sickly. At that point she started sipping on high calorie beverages between meals. She never went back up to 200 pounds, but she has maintained an additional 10-15 pounds from her all time low.

There has been much discussion around the idea that black girls are okay with extra weight and while some of this is true some of the time, its also true that black women struggle with their weight and cultural beauty ideals. These ideals are often more broad, but trying to fit into anyone’s mold of beauty can be a painful and difficult feat. I think most people have wanted to feel thinner and healthier at times. And while there may be more flexibility in different beauty ideals, every group has them and they can be impossible to live up to.

More important things to consider are health and feeling good about how you look no matter what size you aim to be.

http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

http://womensenews.org/story/cultural-trendspopular-culture/040610/black-women-ignore-many-medias-beauty-ideals

http://www.allvoices.com/contributed-news/3798150-beauty-ideals-around-the-world