In love ?

Have you ever fallen madly in love? So madly in love that thoughts of your newly found love enter your mind day and night, your stomach tingles, you lose your appetite and begin to believe that you can quit your day job and somehow just live off of this freshly replenished feeling you have. It can last a few days, weeks or even months and you have realized that you absolutely must spend the rest of your life with this person? The next thing you know, whether it’s that their representative has left the building and you’re getting to know who they really are, or your rose-colored glasses have fallen off your face faster than you thought they could ever be moved, you realize this person isn’t for you and couldn’t possibly be. You begin to wonder how you could have thought so in the first place and begin down the road of questioning if you had been fully awake or conscious over the last x many days.

I see many couples who describe falling for one another in this quick and fast way, some who move in together quickly, and some who get married, some who try to bring a baby into the picture as quickly as possible in an attempt to cement these new-found feelings and relationship. And while there are times where story book romances do happen, people gaze into each others eyes and just know, unfortunately that is not the norm, and taking the time and energy to be certain before making big decisions is well worth it.

Keep your head clear by asking yourself about what you really want and who this person in front of you really is. Many people come up with a list of the qualities or traits they desire in a partner to help them do this. As a big list advocate I agree with this method as long as the items on the list are the things that are really important. I cringe when I hear a client  focus on the type of car and income as their main someone should have as the most important elements they are looking for. Personal qualities like loyalty and emotional availability are more likely to make a dent in whether or not a relationship can last. But keep your eyes open to how they handle conflict, how do they disagree with you, do you ever get your way or must they always “win” when the two of you are making decisions? Do they abuse alcohol or marijuana? Can they maintain some degree of independence from you and the relationship? What do they truly value and how does it compare to what you value? Do you share many basic values or are there big differences that will likely become a problem down the road? Do you both give to one another reciprocally in the relationship or does one partner seem to give much more than the other? How do they treat their friends, family members and even strangers? These are some of the things you might want to ask yourself before and while you are falling in love.

Healing from emotional pain

At any age – we have all been through a thing or two. I wanted to blog about how to get your Mojo back or six steps to feeling better about a difficult situation, but realistically, I couldn’t blog simple steps when I personally and professionally know how incredibly hard a thing it is to try and just get over it. What is it? It is being betrayed by your nearest and dearest, it is suffering a job loss, losing belief in a dream, losing a friend or loved one whether to death or the relationship ending. It is the challenge trusting and forming close relationships after trauma. Whether it be that you have been injured or hurt in a crime, or injured or hurt by being raised in a toxic household or by toxic people. It is any number of things that can make you feel like you can’t cope, and don’t know when you will be able to fully cope again.

Realistically speaking, we have all been through it, and if we haven’t we will soon go through it. So enjoy while you can. Everyone, unless they live an extremely short amount of time, will lose a loved one. Whether it be a grandparent, parent, a friend, maybe even a beloved professor or other teacher or adviser. Everyone will some day have a broken heart.  There is nothing but time and coming to terms within yourself with what has happened, that will heal such loses. But coming to terms emotionally,coping, all of this takes a tremendous amount of time, and effort, and often professional help. So how can you feel safe, or better while you are dealing with it all?

The only way to possibly feel any bit better is to take extremely good care of yourself while you are on your way processing and healing.

-Try to keep friends and loved ones close. Express how you are feeling to them, allow yourself to be supported as much as possible.

-Start walking regularly, this is helpful because any form of exercise triggers your body to release chemicals that make you feel better, it can also keep you connected to the outdoors and nature can be soothing for many. If there isn’t much in terms of greenery outside your front door, do it anyway. The sun, the air and the sky are literally good for your body and can help you physically and mentally.

-Remind yourself that it takes time for you to truly heal from any form of emotional pain, loss or trauma, and the amount of time varies from person to person, from situation to situation and that it is okay not to bounce back as quickly as anyone expects you to. Let yourself make mistakes and go as slowly as you feel you need to along the way. Don’t be rushed by anyone.

-Give yourself a manicure or a pedicure, or both. You can go to the nail salon and get this done or do it at home both have the benefit of taking care of your body and paying attention to your feelings.

-Start journaling about what you are dealing with and how you are feeling. This is a straightforward and simple way to begin to release and process your feelings about the issues you’re dealing with. This can work wonders for helping you in your process. It is worth it.

-Get professional help. Find a therapist that you can speak freely to and that you feel comfortable with. If you have tried a therapist in the past and it didn’t work, try again. If you are in an unsatisfying therapeutic relationship, find a new therapist. Shop around. Consider group therapy regarding what you are dealing with. Therapy groups can connect you to others that are in your shoes and are dealing with exactly what you are dealing with.

Now you might ask yourself, how can any of these things help me while I am in such dire pain? It wont heal those wounds, but it will help you feel more cared for and loved and help you be able to heal.

October

When the month of October roles in, it usually feels like the first reminder that fall is really here. Cool air, falling leaves, green, yellow, red and brown everywhere we look because of the changing weather. A period of seasonal transition. For many in the helping professions, October represents Domestic Violence Awareness month. And its a time to consider the stark reality that in the US our country has a domestic violence awareness rate of 1 in 4 women is a victim of domestic violence within her lifetime.

Few victims will ever expose themselves as a victim to their friends, family, or loved ones. Few victims recognize themselves as victims. Part of what keeps someone in the position of being abused is the shame that comes with being considered a victim. This shame prevent s people from speaking up and prevents others from asking questions. Its likely that the only one who knows for sure that someone is being battered is the batterer and the person being battered. Over one million women are abused in their relationship every year. And 85% of domestic violence victims are women and 15% are men. Women are most likely abused by someone they are involved with when they are between the ages of 20-24. Men are also abused by their partners and have trouble reaching out because of additional shame they may feel about being battered.

October 17th is “Purple Day” this year. Wear purple to bring awareness to domestic violence  and in support of those that aren’t able to speak out for themselves.

Click to access DomesticViolenceFactSheet%28National%29.pdf

http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

Enough Already!?!

I spent most of today with a very dear friend of mine, Kristina. She asked me a question that I couldn’t easily answer – when is enough enough? We have all had times in our lives when we wondered if we have taken too much nonsense from someone. They have pushed our button for the last time, we say. Or they haven’t pulled their weight in the  relationship or they have just been too demanding, too inconsiderate, or too selfish. Maybe their values are just far too different from your own so you question if it makes sense to try to sustain the friendship.

Carrying these types of relationships around with us can be like carrying dead weight. The energy that we may put into sustaining ourselves so that we can carry dead weight might better be put into cultivating other relationships or just taking care of ourselves. I am a firm believer that when your heart and head are cluttered with relationships that are no longer serving any purpose, its time to clean house. This doesn’t mean that you throw friends away if they aren’t doing something for you. The purpose of the relationship can be friendship, companionship or any other sort of connection you find meaningful. What it does mean is that when someone repeatedly hurts you, you bring it to them, and if it continues repeatedly then yes, it may be time to make a change.  I also believe that shared core values are important to sustain a deep friendship. They are your very basic beliefs and essential tenets that govern the way you live. This doesn’t at all imply that relationships don’t take work, dedication, trial and error and a lot of effort, they all do. But if you find that the relationship isn’t working for you it may be time to figure out why and what your next steps might be.

Ask yourself these 5 questions if you aren’t sure:

1- If you knew that it would be okay with God or any higher power you believe in, to end this relationship, there would be no repercussions and you would never have to see or speak with the person again, would you end it? Sometimes we feel guilty about wanting to end things that aren’t working out, or feel obligated to maintain a tie that should be cut.

2- Have there been any incidents that could be considered abuse between you and this person (includes emotional, physical, financial and sexual abuse)? Any abuse is not acceptable and you may want to get professional help around this.

3- Do you consistently find excuses to avoid seeing this person but still spend time with others socially on a regular basis? Sometimes we inadvertently fill our schedules up with other people or things to do without even realizing that we have already decided where this relationship is going.

4- Is this person consistently negative on an ongoing basis? Do they complain all the time, criticize others constantly and never seem to have anything positive to say? Do you regularly feel drained or upset after communicating with them? Healthy relationships are built on healthy foundations, this involves positive communication and encouragement when needed.

5- Are you the only one reaching out to arrange time together or to communicate? Love is a two-way street and reciprocation isn’t a dirty word! It should regularly be a part of your relationship. If it isn’t, one person may feel used or as if the other doesn’t value them.

If you answered yes to any of these questions it may be time to rethink the relationship.

What will Your Legacy be?

I recently learned that August is national “What will Your Legacy Be?” month. Without calling it a “legacy”, I have been thinking a lot about my own legacy and the legacy’s of others. In my practice legacy actually comes up pretty frequently. Your legacy is what you will leave, the mark you will make on this earth which will have an impact. Its what you are remembered for while you are living, and even after you are no longer in a physical body on this earth.

What shapes your legacy is the way that you live your life and the decisions that you make while you are here.  Some people want their legacy to be parenting differently than their own parents so that they can provide a stronger foundation for their own children’s lives than what was provided them. Others work to establish a specific amount of wealth or to make substantial change in their local community, country or even around the globe. The way you treat the planet we live on can be part of your legacy. Generally speaking its created by the way you treat other human beings in part because of the lasting impact of the way you treat others.

We all carry beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, whether reality based or just from our own fears and thinking patterns. And the beliefs we carry and the way we live, is partly effected by the legacy that’s been given to us. Our interactions with the world around us, what we are told about how we should be, what we can expect from friends, family, a mate, these relationships are at least partly informed by the legacy that our parents have given us. These are the  messages we are given throughout our youth about how to be and what to expect from the world.

If you’re a parent, know that you are both providing your child with and shaping your child’s legacy simultaneously in your every day interactions with them. A child’s inner voice is slowly molded by the words that are spoken to them. So choose them carefully.

What will your legacy be?

The Art of Forgiveness

Everyone has experienced a time in their life when they have been hurt or betrayed. Sometimes these wounds can be so deep that you believe they couldn’t possibly heal. I am always impressed by those that suffer great losses, like the loss of a loved one at the hands of another and the immediate forgiveness that can follow. No one wants to be tested on it, but many consider – could I ever forgive that way? Would I ever be able to? Then there are those that experience even the smallest slight and it can take them years of contemplation and soul-searching before they can even consider forgiving, if that ever becomes an option. No matter what your stance is about forgiving, there have been many studies and some proven research about forgiving.

Besides the self-gratification of taking the higher road and forgiving another, there are emotional and health benefits tied to forgiveness. Forgiving can improve depression, and anxiety, decrease stress, lessen the risk of alcoholism and substance abuse. In terms of your own personal growth and relationships, forgiveness improves relationships and can improve ones overall sense of well-being. Forgiveness can give you the space you need to be able to move on and be open to new relationships and the fulfillment that can come from them.

For more information check out the following links:

http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/a/forgiveness.htm 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131/

 

 

 

 

Fighting fair

Many couples come in seeking therapy with a laundry list of the others faults and mistakes. Issues small and large alike come up, everything from adultery to who mails the bills out after the checks are written. But there is one thing that makes a big difference in the likelihood and ability for a couple to last. And that’s fair fighting. No matter what the issue is its important to fight fair.

To be sure you’re on track:

1) Stick to the issue at hand, discuss it. Don’t use the argument as an opportunity to get rid of excess stress or stick it to your life partner. Remember that this person is the one that you decided you wanted to spend your life with. If you want to maintain partnership everyone’s dignity and self-respect has to stay in tact. If this idea isn’t easy to digest ask yourself if you would want to spend the rest of your life with someone who attacks you below the belt every time frustration builds up.

2) Stay focused on exactly what you are discussing and don’t bring up things from the past.Be present in the discussion and stay on current topics. If another matter is coming up for you discuss it outside of this argument.

3) Use “I” statements instead of starting off with “You” statements of blame or ridicule. Starting off with “You” will almost always feel like a personal attack to your mate.

4) Have your discussions and arguments privately. Not in the presence of friends or family. This helps each of you be able to walk away with more of your self-respect in tact and keeps others opinions out of the matter.

5) Remain authentic in all of your communication. True intimacy and lasting relationships that feel good are built on honesty and intimacy. It’s also the only way to truly solve a conflict.

Generation Protest

This past Friday, my 11-year-old son, Elias, asked me to have a seat on the couch so we could talk. Gladly, and slightly amused, I sat down to hear what he had to say. He told me that he and the rest of the fifth graders at his school had been involved in a protest at school. The school is located in Brooklyn, NYC. At first I was thinking, I am so glad he goes to such a progressive school, where the staff must be teaching these kids to protest and fight for their rights. But the more he discussed it, the more I realized that it was not a lesson or anything arranged by or with faculty, but that these kids decided they were facing an injustice at school and they wanted to make a change for themselves. The issue at hand – the students wanted to read the book “the hunger games” on school grounds and during school time, but had been told they could not borrow it from the library because of their age. They also want to read it, if they can access it, during reading time which also was not allowed.

Their solution was take to the hallways, create posters to hang, and chant “NO HUNGER  GAMES – NO PEACE” together at different times over several days in the school. I had to be extremely careful of my reaction, knowing he was watching for it, but this was a hard one for me. On one hand I want my child to stand up for his rights, on the other hand I want him to be able to have good relationships with those in authority over him and be able to take no for an answer at times. I also think that if more people stood up together and immediately did so when they saw an injustice the ever so slow changes in this world in regards to racism, and every other -ism would not be happening so slowly. After his explanation of the events that occurred, he then told me about the administration’s response at school and the students collective interpretation of the school admins response.

Honestly, I could not have been prouder than I was at that moment. These kids are so smart, and learning to fight for their rights and this is what I hope and believe will make more change for his and future generations. Regardless of what their injustice is at this moment more importantly they are organizing and practicing their fight pretty early. That’s the bigger lesson. I told him how I really felt about it.

Out with the old and in with the new…….

This is a time for people to get rid of anything that isn’t working in their lives. Whether it’s a relationship that has been failing, a career move that needs to be made, pursuing an educational goal or setting limits with someone you care about….now is a good time. I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions because they can often be unrealistic goals that are set. But I do believe in working to make realistic and lasting changes no matter the size that work to help you have a richer, more satisfying or more peaceful life. In that spirit I set the goal of not repeating a pattern that I personally have been stuck in. I wish everyone the best in setting theirs! Happy New Year!

Tis the season to be jolly…..

The holiday season can be a very depressing time for people. All the expectations of gift giving and family joy. Commercials streaming across our televisions of homes with perfectly manicured trees surrounded by families wearing holiday colored sweaters and big smiles as they give each other gifts. Television shows that show us the same. When the reality is that the US in a an economic crisis, many people still don’t have jobs, and many others have lost their homes. Even when times were more merry from an economic standpoint and we had an economy we could bank on (excuse the pun)- the reality is that families can be stressful. Just about every family has an aunt that drinks too much or a parent that did this or didn’t do that. Finding gifts and spending money to find the “right” gifts is also stressful. I have yet to meet someone who comes from a perfectly intact family, or a home where there was not some degree of dysfunction. This image is not possible for those who celebrate the season and Christmas, so it can also be a bit alienating for those that don’t celebrate Christmas. It can actually be a very depressing time when expectations are so high and reality is another story. One of the good things that comes out of this end of the year season is taking the time to look at the year which has passed, assessing how you are feeling about things, and making plans for what you want to change. Are you feeling depressed this holiday season?

So many people are suffering from depression and are not even aware of it. It can be debilitating, overwhelming and throw your life completely off course. Depression impacts your relationships and your ability to connect to others and your ability to feel whole and okay within yourself. When people become depressed they physically are not making enough or absorbing enough of the chemicals that it creates to make you feel good. People become depressed for a variety of reasons. This could be based on your genetic make up or can occur after you have been dealing with stress and challenges, even using marijuana or alcohol, any drug can begin to cause this to happen.

How can you tell if your depressed? First pay attention to how you’re feeling. Do you feel down, and tired a lot? Are you able to do the things you used to do? Do you think that there is any hope for you to have a better future? Have you gained or lost weight recently without trying? Are you sleeping less or more than you used to? Has this been going on for at least a couple of weeks? It’s normal to have some everyday changes with how you’re feeling. You know it’s an issue if it’s lasted for a while and it has not changed. It’s important to know that you aren’t alone in dealing with it. If you are able to, talk to your friends and family about what is going on. And seek professional help. Having a therapist to talk to is the first step.

If you would like to, you can try the depression quiz below.

http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm