The 5 BIGGEST MISTAKES you can make when starting with a new therapist

Between family life, having children, working or finding a career, and balancing friendships, most people find themselves needing help with their problems at some point in life. I have had many encounters with clients eager to get to the root of their problems and progress very quickly. They come into my office with the expectation that at the end of the session, all of their answers will be there and the problem will be solved.  But it doesn’t usually work that way. There are a few other common issues that come up for a newbie client that you will want to avoid.

So here are the 5 BIGGEST MISTAKES you can make starting with a new therapist:

  1. Believing that within the first session or two you will be cured, corrected, or fixed. Reality is that it takes about 3 sessions for your therapist to fully get what’s going on with you. They may have a strong sense about the issues, they may have useful homework activities or other assignments for you to do between sessions, but most therapists would agree that it takes a few sessions to begin to really get what’s going on. And depending on the issue or you, it may take substantially longer. Remember that’s just for them to get it. After that comes creating the plan on tackling it with you and helping you utilize your plan. After all that you generally see results.
  2. Thinking that your therapist knows what you’re thinking without you saying anything. If you want the work to be done (your problem to be solved), then you have to express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about the problem. Don’t assume that your new therapist, or even your old therapist, if you have been working together for some time, knows what you’re thinking and feeling. Sure there will be times your hesitant pause holds clear meaning to each of you. But that’s usually after working together for a while and that can also be misconstrued. That brings us to the next mistake to avoid.
  3. Not speaking up to collaborate and co-create your therapy plan. Why is this a bad thing and why shouldn’t you want your therapist to come up with a plan without your input? Because only you are you. Your individual plan will involve details about you, your life, beliefs, strengths and limits that are only yours. There isn’t a cookie cutter approach to therapy, even when using a specific therapeutic technique. The details matter and co-creating a plan with you that works for you is the best way to make sure the goals and steps fit you and are things you can and will actually do. That’s how we make progress.
  4. Comparing your progress to a friends or spouses. Don’t expect your results to mimic anyone elses results. It can take you longer to heal from something painful than it took your sister. You are different people and have had a lifetime of different experiences. This is okay. Comparing your results will most likely lead to frustration.
  5. Only expecting things to get easier. Sometimes when you start therapy, you are diving into something that you haven’t before. There may be feelings about it you haven’t uncovered or expressed. If they are difficult, you might struggle a bit before you begin to feel better.

If you’re currently looking for a therapist, contact me, Amira, at amiraforher.com.

Why the blog?

So those of you who have read my blog for  while are pretty familiar with who I am and why I blog. Feel free to skip this introduction,  it’s for newer readers who may not be so familiar. I started a private psychotherapy practice in the fall of 2011 and wanted to find a way to speak to current and potential clients. I found that many of my clients deal with similar struggles around issues relating to communication, parenthood,  intimate relationships, mood issues like depression and anxiety, issues of race and racism. I wanted to create a venue where I could discuss and normalize some of the issues impacting so many. I also blog for potential clients.  Those wanting to get a feel for who I am as their potential new therapist. I am open to blogging about topics multiple clients request specific information on. I have also found blogging to be a bit of a creative and expressive outlet for me.

Besides a blogger and a therapist, I am also a program director with a very large, well established non profit agency in NYC. I am a mother of two young men. My blogs are often colored by the perspective I have as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, and a wife. I was born and raised in the Bronx, NYC (not Riverdale 😉) my approach to blogging and life is also impacted by my ethnic and economic experience.

For more about my practice check my website at amiraforher.com.

The teen-aged years!

Many parents come to therapy seeking help for their teen-age children. Some are tearful, some angry, some incredibly worried and there are those that express all of the above. The teen-aged years (adolecence) is a period of transition; a time where youth are working to create a separate identity from their parent and family. A teens job is to explore, to take chances, and to figure out what and who they will become. It’s easy to write this in short and simple sentences, but what isn’t easy is the actual experience itself. I mean that for the teen, the parent and anyone attempting to help them work together better! Both as a mental health professional and as a mother I have experienced first hand how challenging it can really be to help someone navigate though this period. I get parents who come into my office and complain that their child isn’t listening the same way they used to, or is trying new things. These are often things the parent would never have done at their age. There are a few common concerns I have run into when working with parents and their adolescent children. I list them below along with some things to keep in mind while you’re trying to figure out a solution to their behavior.

1) My teen has started breaking curfew and coming home later.

They push limits to see how far you will let them stray, this is part of becoming independent and making up their own mind. Know your limits  and be very clear about them in this area, but try to be flexible when you can.

2) My teen does not want to spend time with me and the family doing the activities we used to enjoy together.

They want to develop an identity of  outside you and the family they are used to.

3) My teen wants to spend less time at home, and more time with his friends. It seems like his friends matter more than anyone else.

Developing a social identity is incredibly important to an adolescent. For your teen, this is a big part of becoming someone separate from you.

4) My teen reacts emotionally and often overreacts to things that seem trivial to me.

Your teen-aged child’s brain and body is full of hormones and consistently changing. He doesn’t feel the same mellow feelings that you do because of this. Things are often magnified because of these physical changes.

5) This is so frustrating and she is already 17 years old. When will it stop?

Generally speaking, somewhere between 18 and 25 years of age, your child’s hormones and adult brain development will be where it needs to be for them to behave more like you may want them to. No two people are exactly alike, so there is an age range here.

Amira R. Crawford is a licensed therapist and can be reached at amiracrawfordtherapist.com

What’s new?

14367334155631716466643Over the last few months I have been working pretty hard to expand my services. I accept multiple insurances at this point and now have two practice locations and am available multiple evenings during the week as well as weekends. I practice at locations in both Bedford-Stuyvesant,  Brooklyn, NY, and Ossining,  NY in Westchester County.  Both locations offer complete privacy. Also in creation is a monthly newsletter which will provide resources and information for clients as well as professional social workers and therapists. Stay tuned. And enjoy your summer!

Women’s Health Week Challenge

Did you know that May 10th – May 16th is National Women’s Health week? We all either know them or are them; women who take so much time and energy caring for others, whether its a spouse, child, or parent who needs the help, often its a sister, daughter or wife who provides it.Coinciding well with Mother’s Day, May 10th is the beginning of National Women’s Health week. I challenge all women to do something to take care of themselves, and I challenge all men, and others who don’t identify their gender traditionally, to support them.

So here is the challenge for the week, select at least one of the following to do:

1) Take time to prepare a healthy and balanced meal for yourself, don’t rush through it, enjoy it, and hold onto each moment that you are taking care of yourself by doing this, then do the same as you enjoy the meal.

2) Schedule that appointment you have been skipping out on, whether its a medical appt for your doctor or gynecologist, dental appt, or an appt to see a therapist or counselor.

3) Schedule that other appt you have missed out on for either a pedicure, a manicure, or to get your hair washed and done.

4) Buy yourself flowers and place them where you will be able to enjoy the site and scent, mine are by my bed so I can fall asleep and wake up to fresh flowers.

5) Get some exercise, if you have a regular workout schedule stick with it, if not, go for a long walk or a hike where you can enjoy nature.

6) Buy some seeds and plant them, tend to your seeds and watch them bloom and grow over the next several weeks.

Whatever you decide to do, get started by or before the week of May 10th. Good emotional and physical health depends on taking time to truly care for your emotional, physical, spiritual and social needs. Take stock and take the challenge!

Catching up

The last several months have been somewhat of a whirlwind for me. I haven’t put focus or effort into my blog. This past May, I married the guy who had the biggest crush on me in middle school (I only frame his introduction this way to tease him as he reads my blog 😉 ). I was the guest speaker at an undergraduate event hosted by the Social Work Department at Lehman College , where I was once an undergraduate. I had the honor of talking about my professional and personal accomplishments and struggles since finishing school. I aimed to give a realistic but also motivational speech and I am hopeful that it turned out that way. I covered a couple of classes for an NYU professor over her vacation time. I am excited about an upcoming event with Mary Pender Greene and Company where I will facilitate group and individual therapy with mothers impacted by loss this coming August. I am also planning to facilitate a group workshop and relaxation and visualization exercises with another group of parents through work with Mrs. Kat Harrison and The Tommy Foundation NYC Chapter. The Tommy Foundation NYC (https://www.facebook.com/TheTommyFoundationNycChapter/info)  works to help individuals and families impacted by autism. And I have fully re-committed to making the strongest and most positive professional impact I possibly can through my day to day work in the non profit world. All of that while continuing to navigate the brave new land of parenting an 18 year old and managing my private practice. It’s been an extremely busy spring and summer! On an even more positive note, I feel like I am coming down from all of these changes, and able to get back into the day to day work that I do with a renewed focus and sense of strength and optimism. I am looking forward to sharing more of my professional endeavors routinely through my blog. Happy Summer everyone!!!  

Light skin

About a week or so ago, actress Lupita Nyong’o openly discussed her challenges with being a dark skin woman. She talked about praying nightly for lighter skin as a child, and how being darker felt like an obstacle for her to overcome. I thought this was very brave and very honest of her. I think most women of color deal with some form of colorism. And the racism that exists in our society often effects us causing us to internalize those feelings (resulting in internalized racial inferiority) and acting them out in our own lives. For Lupita it meant wishing she was lighter and struggling with her own self worth in part, because of her color.

For some of the people I work with internalized racial inferiority plays out differently. I have worked with clients that use skin lightening creams and skin bleaches (which are loaded with toxic chemicals) to be lighter. Women who use a straightening perm in their hair until it falls out and wear weaves that rip at the roots of their scalps until they have bald patches. I don’t say this to make light of it or make fun of this issue. I mention it because its a real daily struggle for many. When a woman as beautiful and intelligent as Lupita struggles with self worth over her color, it speaks to a much larger problem in our society.

While there are the occasional models and actresses of darker skin that reach success, the majority do not. Skin color still acts as a barrier to success in many forms.

March is Social Work Month

March is Social Work month! Many people get confused about what social workers do. I think Social Work month is the perfect time to help clarify it. I gathered some of the common questions and misconceptions about social work and answered them.

1) What do social workers do? Social workers work to help people. They don’t just help as someone would try to help a friend talk through a problem, or assist someone in filling out a food stamp application. Social work is considered a “Helping Profession” along with doctors, nurses, psychologists and teachers. There is education and training behind their professional helping. There are bachelor, masters and doctoral level programs. There are state educational and experience mandates as well as licensing exams in order to ensure that professional social workers are qualified to help. There is ongoing training and education to promote best practice.

2) Where do social workers work? A social workers help comes in many forms. Social workers work in a wide variety of fields.Some work providing talk therapy in mental health clinics, hospitals, and private practice offices. These are often the therapists you run into when you are seeking help for an issue like depression, anxiety, or PTSD. There are social work administrators that run agency’s. They work on ensuring enough money comes into programs, balance budgets, seek out new funding streams and focus on things like staff moral and overall program and agency development. They also work in substance abuse, child welfare services like foster care and adoption, the legal field and advocacy, work with people with developmental disabilities, and in community development.

3) Who do social workers work with? They work with every age group, from programs servicing infants and toddlers from 0-3 with developmental issues, to counseling programs and groups for teens, to working with the elderly in senior programs. Social workers provide services to families living in poverty and to wealthy families and everyone in between.

4) What do you like best about being a social worker? That I get to partner with people to create better circumstances and less stressful lives for themselves and their families. This can help them in the moment, and have a long-term impact for their children and family.

Gratitude

As we are well into the season of thanks, I think of all of the things I am grateful for. A family of imperfect people, and a circle of imperfect friends, I am touched by the love and support I am able to gain from them. A friend of mine recently told me I don’t need to expect the support from particular people or places, but just to take it as it comes and from whomever it comes from. This was sound advice, and it was advice that allowed me to more fully appreciate the tremendous amount of love and support I do receive. It’s important to stay connected to whats important during this season.

Many people become especially lonely and depressed around the holiday season. The expectations of the fun you should be having, the gifts you should be giving and receiving, and the family you should be loved by may be quite different from anything that you or anyone else could possibly live up to. So try to take a moment and step back, consider what it is that you want to do to celebrate and focus on that. Whether it’s an hour on the phone with a family member or friend, or taking a moment to write a thank you note, celebrate the season your way.

Happy Halloween!!!

As the only holiday where you can get dressed up and play with strangers Halloween often takes on a life of its own. Some communities are transformed into haunted towns with rows of faux cemetery plots on front lawns, ghosts and goblins perched up on battered wooden benches. NYC prepares for an annual Halloween parade today. My thoughts are focused on finding the more creepy costumes, and whether or not I need to make a last-minute candy purchase or if there is already enough candy at home to hand out to potential trick-or-treaters. While the candy and costumes are fun, scholars hold different beliefs about how and where Halloween started.

Some trace its roots to Paganism, some to Celtic Christian or Catholic celebrations, others to Idolatry. Halloween ties well with the Day of the Dead in Mexico, a three-day religious and celebratory event which starts on 10/31 and honors those who have passed. Similar celebrations occur all around the world. What may have started as a way to connect with the deceased, has become a day to celebrate and indulge in fantasy and self-expression.

Some people will dress up and go out while others will stay in. Do you ever wonder whats behind some of the costume choices we make? Some might say that your choice in a costume is pure fantasy, and a way to explore a role outside of yourself. Others believe its proof of ones inner desires and ideals. Lets look at three of the most common costumes and what meaning they may hold.  

1) Evil witch, grim reaper, and other powerful and negative characters-  a way to indulge in exploration of exercising power without having any remorse.

2) Sexy nurse, bar maid, gladiator, wrestler- a demonstration of ones sexual prowess and physical attributes.

3) Heroic characters like Superman or Wonder Woman- may be a way to express youthful and playful traits and indulge in the rescue or savior fantasies.

Whether you decide to stay indoors this year or go out and indulge in playing dress-up, it can be fun to question the meaning behind the costumes you will see.